One who walks with wise people will be wise, But a companion of fools will suffer harm. Proverbs 13:20
I’ve known my friend for about a decade. When we met, she was already married with children and a devoted Christian who is actively involved in her church. I used to listen patiently to her concerns and pray for her. But when I tried to share something important about my life, she’d often turn away, point at something to distract me, or change the subject. Once, mid-conversation, she got up, walked away, and returned a few minutes later as if nothing happened. She’d also talk about her expensive clothes, vacations, and purchases but then claim she couldn’t afford inexpensive outings like lunch at Cracker Barrel. Early in our friendship, I covered her costs several times, thinking she was struggling financially. Yet, she’d show up in a luxury car, wearing costly clothes and accessories, boasting about lavish vacations. When I suggested she pay her own way, she complained about her husband and acted pitiful, as if I should feel sorry for her. This behavior became exhausting, and I didn’t understand what was going on. I tried addressing it a couple of times, but she’d cry and blame her husband. Feeling bad, I continued the friendship, believing the good outweighed the bad. I also noticed that in ten years, she never complimented me. I often complimented her, but she never reciprocated. I don’t need flattery, but I found it odd—most Christian women I know exchange kind words, like “I love your new hairstyle” or “That blouse looks great on you.” Confused by her behavior, I prayed for answers. Despite her positive traits, her habit of dismissing my concerns or walking away when I shared something important was too much. Once, when I chose to visit another friend instead of spending time with her, she falsely accused me of something. I felt terrible and apologized, thinking I’d done something wrong or there was a misunderstanding . One day, while praying for this friendship, I felt the Holy Spirit reveal the root of her behavior. It was like an explosion of clarity in my heart.
I sensed the Spirit say:
“What you are looking for is a mature Christian relationship. Your friend has failed to follow Me in many areas of her life. You are seeing the fallout of her disobedience. She is in my permissive will, I called her to teach my word and she won’t do it. I called her to attend a different church and she won’t do it. She blames her husband for why she won’t obey me. She doesn’t encourage you because she is a failure.”
This revelation stunned me. Reflecting on past conversations, I realized she often blamed her husband. She had disobeyed God by marrying an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14), convincing herself God had called her to do so. Though her husband is now a Christian, he’s still young in faith and doesn’t lead their household spiritually. From my limited interactions with him, he seemed demanding, intimidating, and hot-tempered. Despite her initial disobedience in marriage, my friend still chose not to attend the church God called her to or teach His Word. She let her husband’s opinions intimidate her and lived in fear. Instead of addressing this, she wallowed in self-pity, expecting me to feel sorry for her. It wasn’t my fault she married an unbeliever or gave in to fear. Why should I bear the consequences of her choices? Her children were also acting out, and I realized their household’s lack of spiritual order was producing bad fruit. Am I still friends with her? Yes, but I’ve set healthy boundaries. I encourage her to follow the Holy Spirit and limit our time together, as too much interaction is unhealthy.
God’s word has a lot to say about relationships. Here are some scriptures to consider before entering into any type of relationship:
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers [do not make mismated alliances with them or come under a different yoke with them, inconsistent with your faith]. For what partnership have right living and right standing with God with iniquity and lawlessness? Or how can light have fellowship with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
But now I write to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person. 1 Corinthians 5:11
The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26
One who walks with wise people will be wise, But a companion of fools will suffer harm. Proverbs 13:20
Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul. Proverbs 22:24-25
Go from the presence of a foolish and self-confident man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips. Proverbs 14:7